i cant think of everything. im not a miracle worker. im not a mind reader. sometimes things just go bad. it's nobody's fault. nobody can explain it. it just happens. or it doesnt. i was living in a house in hollywood between fountain and santa monica blvd. not sure exactly. the house caught fire. everything burned except my drums and piano. the dogs died in the bathroom in a corner. i was working in long beach. drove home at three in the morning. the street was filled with fire trucks. the house was gone. i lost everything except the car and my drums and piano. the money was in the bank in a safe deposit box. it wasnt much to begin with. i worked in burbank at a cable tv company. me and this other guy sold converters. i'd get $1000 a case. went to mexico for a vacation twice. i had a good time. got a tan. floated in the salt water. drank rum and coke and snorted coke everyday between three and four in the afternoon. it was late. i was tired or sick or alone. i dont remember. i dont care. i used to play piano and write songs. i'd sing them and record them. had a dream i'd be somebody sometime but sometimes never came soon enough. it was always too late too much too soon but always late. i took my camera downtown to make photos of my shadow as it passed by but i wasnt fast enough to make it happen. my shadow went past like a comet in the sky, like the right story gone wrong too much too fast. a kid washed his car at 11pm at night and he was shot in the carwash. what was he doing washing his car at a carwash at 11pm in the first place? it sounds too stupid but it's true. if i had a son and he said, hey mom, i'd like to wash my car at 11pm i'd say like hell you are, stay home, you stay home with me, with us. but it rained last night. i woke up this morning and took my meds. i was taking one tab twice a day, then one tab once a day, then a half a tab twice a day, then i'll take a half a tab once a day, then no tabs no time a day. i watched a news report about fat people getting fatter. the skinny stay skinny and the fat get fatter. pancake batter makes people fatter. save a penny, stay skinny. eat more vegis, drink more water, kick the habit kiss the cat wear a hat. the sun was bright and i could see my shadow just like peter pan i had a golden tan my body was strong and full of muscles dancing shadows on the wooden deck. my shadow doesnt spend any money. the recession doesnt bother my shadow. there's no money. there's no time to jump start the engine. face life. foot traffic. transformation for years to come. the life and death of a private life out of sight under the influence bloodshot eyes and an odor like alcohol bailed me out. discover the body. heartbreak gridiron. prayers fall on deaf ears. nightmare's not going away. it's real. it's what happened. a lot of things happen. devasting dedication. why's it so hard to believe? get over it if you can get over it. be patient. a blond in a red dress. a blond in a black dress. driving around giving hand jobs in the front seat. pulled into an alley give a blow job in the back seat of big box chains. big box stores. it's an art. cold coffee coffee black fat belly pulled tight with a body glove. black belt unbutton your pants fake it. it's not hot. i dont feel sweaty. it doesnt itch. it's perfect to hide bra bulge. back fat. be still. take a gun and shoot me and bury me just like you. the curse of death? death is not a curse. death is the other side of the plug nickle. the coin. the two sides of the story. open and shut case. slam dunk. over and out. all washed up. clean up your act. get a bite to eat. dont stop now, first come first served. the master and the servant. yesterday today and tomorrow. get a lawyer and get it done. catch a falling star. it's all over now. not a moment too soon. red high heels. call it quits.