(Or being a square peg in a world of round holes.)First time I knew I was different from other boys and girls was when crazy Virgo menopausal psycho bitch from hell tried to get me to sell out for a middle class income. Rather than blame failure on bad karma, pretending to be happy when it was all in my mind, I settled for no income at all.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after I read a story about this girl's father and how he got arrested. As the story goes, she tucked the newspaper clipping about his arrest in an envelope, tucked away safely in a drawer by her bed. It was a private place she set aside for hating him. A place of unforgiveness. A place she kept for remembering sodomy. A place for keeping lies about being at the beach with dad. Looking at photos of grandma and grandpa. Little 5x7's. Never a square. Drank Barcardi to forget her lowliness. Next morning she'd still be drunk. Father went to prison. Did his time. Got out. In the morning she'd still be drunk. Always lonely, willing to be hurt.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after Kessler said I needed a psychiatrist because my thinking was all wrong. He slumped behind his christian pulpit like a back-alley bully. He was a coward, a serial killer stalking a smug Mexican resort. Pointed his finger at me for never sleeping. Accused me of being a homoerotic insomniac who had no right to sleep. Kessler begged to be offended. I hated him for manipulating me. So I abused him. Smashed his phone with a hammer. Threw it in the dumpster. His face all swollen red and flushed. Black circles under his eyes. Breath smelled like piss. Religion smelled just like him.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after I discovered that to be queer meant to be under the influence of the piano. Nobody wanted to go where everything was nothing. Didnt matter. This was the real deal. Sex was torture. I suffered and struggled. The beast couldnt cause anything. Couldnt work. Stayed up for days without sleeping. Hitched a ride on a bus to Fresno in the middle of the night. Finally got to sleep. Slept like a baby: woke up every two hours screaming.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after I got a job as a hustler, panhandler, politician, truck driver and a magazine advertisement. I was never forgiven for being a square art form in a museum of round holes. No big deal. Did a few drugs. Never went back to Sleepy Town, not ever again. Had recreational sex online with other weirdos. We were high risk individuals who loved ourselves more than we loved the shepherd.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after I went to Gethsemane's religious festivals. Golgotha was more shocking than a thrift store. Nobody wore robes. Nobody got naked. Everybody was the same as everybody else. They did terrible things. If you lived there, you could kill yourself twice! One guy did it once outside his parents house on Xmas day and again by setting himself on fire drinking gasoline mouthwash. His first suicide note was brilliant! A masterpiece! But his second death was the envy of us all! After that I lived in a mirage. There never was a god to begin with. I cut it loose from my mind. That's when I started cropping photos in the shape of a square.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after I got drunk and came home after an all-niter. I'd throw things around the room., Bang into walls. Knock things over in the dark. Neighbors would be afraid. Pretended to sleep. There was simply too much grief and sorrow all in one place to get any rest. Not enough to go around. Scarcity everywhere. The solution? If someone had more unhappiness than they earned in one lifetime, a portion of it would be taken away from them and given to someone who had less. This was socialism and I liked it.
Started cropping photos in the shape of a square after my eyes went white up inside my head. Eyeballs rolled backwards. Upwards. Looking inwards. Glassy. Vacant. Dead. I slept with aries and aquarius rising. We had sex like dogs. Without a dream there was no reason for us to talk. Because of the dream, square photos were more beautiful than I ever imagined. After that, there was nothing left for me to do except pack up and go. Once I was gone, I started cropping photos in the shape of a square.
